Sudden excruciating pain stabbed into my foot and up my leg.
After flicking the light switch I saw the scorpion, lying,
as if innocent, on the bedroom floor.
“Am I going to die?” was my first thought; closely followed
by “We need to take a photo for Facebook.”
No, I didn’t die, and yes, we did get a photo uploaded
within minutes. It grabbed the attention of over fifty of my closest friends
all around the world. It felt exotic and exciting. Although the sting stung, the
memory of it is not painful,
in fact I love talking about it.
A memory that is painful is that time my husband was
dizzy.
For two years. For no reason.
Nothing was different about his appearance (compared to a
healthy person), or even his medical tests, but everything was different for
him, for both of us.
“When you get an invisible illness...your
whole world alters. How you see yourself changes. But how the world sees you
does not. Your illness is invisible to others, to doctors and to the
government. The perils of not being seen can be life-threatening.”
Your world changes, but no one can see that. This description
of invisible chronic illness sheds light on the reentry process, when you
return to your passport country after years away.
Nothing is different about my appearance (compared to an
Aussie who has been living in Australia) but everything is different for me.
Living with an invisible illness and going through reentry
are both types of unseen pain, unlike a scorpion sting.
7 ways reentry and invisible illness are similar
1.You surprise everyone by not being able to do things they
expect you can do.
In your previous life you could work and take care of
yourself. Now despite appearances that’s all changed. Some parts take more
effort than others, other parts impossible.
Debilitated and disorientated.
2.You surprise yourself by not being able to do things you
expect you can do.
Make a list of simple stuff to get done.
Try to do it.
Fail.
Feel surprised and frustrated.
Repeat.
3.You surprise others and yourself by not being what (you perceive)
they expect you to be.
“Are you better yet? “
“Have you settled in yet?”
Both friendly well-meaning question but totally miss the magnitude
of a chronic illness or an international move.
You need wade through the frustrations those questions might
trigger, and see the good intentions behind them. They know you’ve been to the doctor and/or had
a debrief and they are wondering how it is all going.
4.Exhausted
Looking normal and healthy, but feeling tired all the time.
Every little thing takes so much effort. You are busy working out a new normal,
perhaps including how to sleep. Maybe the old normal way of sleeping isn’t an
option anymore, so on top of it all you may be getting less quality sleep.
5.Even fun is hard work
Noticing you are tired and stressed, well-meaning people
suggest you should take a break or to go out and have fun. But there is no way
to take a break from yourself or your new life. Even ways of fun and relaxation
have gone. It takes effort work out how to do it now.
So not only are you more stressed, but you also have no easy
way to cope with stress like you did in your old life.
6.Trying not to sound like a broken record
Until recently things were easier and so so different, you
can’t help but keep comparing. Every time you try to pay for something, or walk
somewhere, it’s hard not to remember how different it is to before. Such a huge
part of thought life, yet it feels like you shouldn’t keep boring everyone with
“I used to know how to do laundry back in my host culture/before I got sick.”
And even if you do keep sharing this it becomes apparent
people don’t really get that you feel like your arms have been chopped off.
7.Loss
You haven’t needed to go to a funeral, you still have all
your limbs and your house has not burnt down. You look like anyone else but
your normal routines of eating and sleeping are different, different ways of
interacting with people and so much more that’s not mentioned here.
Unseen losses mean they might be unexpressed for years and
may need to be unraveled somewhere down the track.
*********
“Whoa- that sounds painful!”
It’s easy for others to acknowledge a scorpion sting but
they don’t use exclamation marks when you mention that you are dizzy/tired or that
you moved from overseas 6 months ago.
When people don’t know or believe you are struggling it “magnifies
the pain” (Metzger, 2016). Unseen pain such as reentry, invisible illness and a
myriad of other things become even harder.
The sting lasted less than 24 hours, while the worst of the
dizziness was 24 months and beyond, so the comparison only goes so far, but
according to Metzger, baldness attracts more interest than chronic fatigue syndrome.
“...
research into CFS/ME is
small, especially when considering the number of people sick and how
devastating it is. “I had looked up
male pattern baldness … $18 million for male pattern baldness [but only] $3
million for chronic fatigue syndrome, an illness that affects 1 million people
in this country (USA) that has at least 25 percent of them out of work and on
disability.” (from
Metzger, 2016)
About five years on from when we were living in Australia, I’m
still realizing just how hard it was.
We
entered culture shock and sickness all at once, as I wrote about here:
The
Dizzy Monster.
It’s only in the last few years that I’ve been able to think
about it. I’ve found it a relief to read other’s stories, such as
this one here on
Fruitful Today. Kristy writes about how her life changed when she got sick,
including how hard it was to be part of church initially, and how different it
is now.
If you are sick or someone you
know of is sick you might find Fruitful Today useful too!
And here are some blogs on reentry:
And linking up with
Velvet Ashes as this week is about Returning.
Update: see also
6 types of reverse culture shock incompetence
