Culture Gap between generations {fmf}

“Yucky” was my son’s first reaction when he saw people wearing shoes inside. It was his first ever visit to Sydney, Australia.

It was alarming for him when he was handed a drink of tap water.  “But that will make me sick.”

I was amused. After growing up in Australia I have lived in Asia most of my adult life. I always find it weird going back to Australia and doing those things again, after not doing them for so long. But for my son he is not doing them AGAIN, it was all new to him.

My children are Australian. I'm Australian. We all live in Cambodia together, but our experience of this is different. My children are having their developmental years here, forming their identity.

When I came across this article about the Culture Gap I realised I needed to learn more.  

This gap can go unnoticed which creates frustrations and kids growing up overseas usually feel misunderstood by their parents. Most of culture is like the bulk of the iceberg, hidden under the water. Things like shoes and taps are easy to see and talk about, but most things aren't. There is a reason the author called her book Misunderstood. 

Hopefully we as parents can notice this gap and learn to see the world from our children’s point of view.  

I don't know if I explained this very well. If you are a parent bringing kids up overseas I encourage you to read this, or this. Or these. Or watch this 3 minute video.

This week the Five Minute Friday free write word prompt is CULTURE


Photo by Jacek Dylag on Unsplash

4 reasons I hate going to church {fmf}

I feel like I never get anything out of it, or put anything into it.
Plus it throws off my kids sleep so we all get extra tired and grumpy on Sundays.
The practical side of taking 2 kids to church is hard.

But while all this is going on- the getting there, and finally being there, but not involved in the main meeting, there is a fourth reason I hate going to church. I'm also dealing with a broken brain. Whenever my husband has to miss church due to his chronic illnesss, my brain tricks me into re-living the feeling I had when he was first sick. It was a long time ago but it was traumatic.

So with all this as the norm, it makes it really hard to get there each Sunday. Why do we do this? What is the point of the practice of going to church if  I can't hear a Bible talk or pray with people? If I'm never going to be able to sign myself up on any rosters? (Our church fellowship is run by others like me, we don't have a pastor.)

With feelings of exhaustion and without answers, but still feeling like I need to be at church (am I just being graceless, legalistic?), Sunday just feels like an insurmountable mountain.

I was particularly overwhelmed this Sunday just gone. It was potluck week. Eating dinner together is such a great practice for a group of Christians. But getting food for myself and 2 little people after playing in the hot sun for two hours? Not so great. The table of food looked inviting, but the people chaos was too much, I stepped out of the line with my 3 plates and 2 kids.

Why hadn't I gone home earlier as planned? I knew this was going to be too hard. The tears that had been trying to escape for the last couple of hours were almost having success.

But then two kind people grabbed a plate each and started getting food for the kids.

Suddenly things felt much easier, and I had an answer to my question. Why do I go to church when I end up exhausted with nothing to show for it?

Community. I'm part of the church.

Maybe for now all I need to be doing is being there.

Turn up and hand the plate over.

(End of 5 minutes.)

This week’s Five Minute Friday writing prompt is: PRACTICE

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I'm sharing my story with you for the same reason as Fruitful Today. 

"My prayer is that your church relationships will be strengthened through this series (of interviews), whether you’re living with an invisible illness, or seeking to better support those in your church family who live with ongoing health conditions." 

"I hope you enjoy these glimpses inside the minds of your chronically ill brothers and sisters in Christ!" 

You can read them here:Interviews about church and invisible illness

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While brutal at the time, the issues with kids feels a bit easier than the chronic illness one for me. Many other people have done it, or a doing it. Plus its a temporary situation. In 5 years time the kids will be 5 years older!  

For more on going to church with kids The Gospel Coalition has this : 5 reasons to keep going to church with baby brain.

Photo by Charles Etoroma on Unsplash

Searching for an origin {fmf}

"Where are you from?"

I wondered how my son was going to answer this question when it was put to him by a stranger in a supermarket. I was busy choosing which oats to buy. The ones with environmentally friendly packaging, or budget friendly price?

The stranger tried to answer his own question based on my children's accents.

"England? New Zealand?"

His guesses sort of surprised me, but my son's answer surprised me more.

"THAILAND!"

Neither of his parents are Thai, and he doesn't live in Thailand. But, to be fair, he was born there. He was totally blank when the stranger started speaking Thai language to him though.

As a Third Culture Adult I find that question hard enough to answer myself, so it will be interesting to see what the next generation make of it.

I ended up choosing the oats in the tin that the kids like to use as a toy drum.

End of Five Minutes

After reading blogs like this one, about the culture gap between expat parents and their children I realised it would be useful to find out more. At the moment I'm reading some books about Third Culture Kids (TCKs). I don't know if my children fit exactly and exclusively into that category (and everyone is different anyway) but they are definitely at least one type of Cross Cultural Kid (CCK). Growing up in Cambodia with a Cambodian father, but an Australian mother.

My reading started back here with Between Worlds, but these are books I'm part way through at the moment:

Third Culture Kids: Growing up among worlds seems to be like the "Bible" of TCK literature. And the 3rd edition broadens out to include CCKs generally.
"...the authority on "TCKs"--children of expatriates, missionaries, military personnel and others who live and work abroad. With a significant part of their developmental years spent outside of their passport country, TCKs create their own, unique "third" cultures. 

Authors Pollock and Van Reken pioneered the TCK profile, which brought to light the emotional and psychologoical realities that come with the TCK journey, often resulting in feelings of rootlessness and grief but also an increased confidence and ability to interact with many cultures.... widens the net to discuss the experiences of CCKs, cross-cultural kids, who are immigrants, international adoptees or the children of biracial or bicultural parents." 

Misunderstood 
"Tanya has spent 13 years working with, and advocating for, Third Culture Kids (TCKs). Her research focuses on TCKs born after 1985 – those who grew up in the internet age. If this topic is new to you (or even if it isn’t!) a good place to begin exploring is Tanya’s explanation of what “Third Culture” is and why it matters to expat children"

Finding Home is a collection of stories from different people about their experience of growing up outside their passport country.

"Who are Third Culture Kids? What makes their experience of identity, home, belonging, travel, trauma, school unique? And yet, what connects them together, across the globe?

How can parents and educators and friends support the TCKs we know and love as they walk through issues as diverse as transitioning to university in their passport country, where they may never have lived, to how to navigate being ethnically of one country but belonging to a family from a different country through adoption while living in still another country?"

Linking up with Five Minute Friday... a one-word prompt every week, and you have the opportunity to free write for five minutes flat on that one word, then join the link-up...the word: SEARCH

Photo credit: multiple places on the internet 

From boredom to building {fmf}

"I'm bored"

I often hear this from our kids. It can be a torturous 20 minutes when the kids feel like they don't have anything to do.

But what happens next is amazing.

They build things.

Over the last 6 months we've had some indoor structures big enough to climb into. A house, a boat, a spaceship. Sometimes with multiple rooms and various windows and skylights.

We've also seen small things built such as rockets, planes and helicopters. These are usually made to just the right size to be held and flown around inside or outside.

The building materials include but not are limited to- furniture, suit cases, blankets, pillows, pegs, rubber bands, cracker boxes, oat tins, the old broken bread maker....

Sometimes the boredom hits when I'm in the middle of doing something. I'm always trying to decide if I should drop what I'm doing and play with them. To play or not to play? Either way somebody is going to be upset.  I've been trying to remember all these amazing creations, hopefully it will make the next time of boredom easier, at least for me.

Friday Five minute link up

... a one-word prompt every week, and you have the opportunity to free write for five minutes flat on that one word, then join the link-up...word prompt: BUILD

8 lists of my expat life

Velvet Ashes is thinking about numbers this week.  

From reverse culture shock, to renting, moving house, bringing up cross cultural kids and English teaching- here are some lists of my expat life to date: 

6 ways  I can see my offspring's childhood is different to mine

6 lengths of time I've had to make a speedy but emotional investment in a home

7 ways reverse culture shock is like invisible illness 
See also 6 types of reverse culture shock incompetence 

5 things I like about living in Siem Reap

3 reasons for a cross cultural family to laugh at dinner time

10 things I hate about renting

3 ways parenting preschoolers is like teaching adults English

3 things I learnt in 2018

3 ways parenting preschoolers is like teaching adults English as a second language

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A post shared by Katherine Seat (@katherineseat) on May 20, 2018 at 12:20am PDT

During ELTA training I was  taught these 3 things, and they keep going around my head as I spend my hours, days, weeks, months with small people at home.

1. Speak the language correctly, you are modelling it. 

Not just teaching during teaching time, not just telling people what to do, they will copy what you actually do yourself. I thought that was a funny thing for a trainer to say when I was sitting in my classroom in Sydney. Of course I'm going to speak English properly! Just months later I found  myself fully immersed in Chinglish. Have not have your east-west?

And with kids, its not just language, but everything. They will do what you do, rather than what you say.

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2. Try out the activity first, before doing it in class.

Eg, fill out a worksheet yourself. Things can look straight forward on paper, but unforeseen things can take you by surprise if you don't run through it yourself first.

Same with cooking with kids or trying out something new with them. So if I don't want them to put the eggshells in with the egg, and I've just told them not to put them on the floor, where should they put them?


3. Stop activities when they are in full swing.


It sounds counter-intuitive to end a conversation exercise when it is in full swing. Lots of learning is happening! But if you end on a high it will be easier to come back to it  next time. The other extreme is drawing it out for as long as possible until it is dwindling and torturous.

If it is time for the kids to stop playing and come inside, it can be such a struggle if they are having fun and don't want to stop for dinner. But I think then it's easier to get them outside the next time, as they feel like there is still more fun to be had.

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You know your offspring's childhood is different to yours when...

...the thought of a bus ride to the capital city is more exciting to them than the thought of a plane ride.

...when they ask what a seat belt is you reply “like on the plane”.

...they ask why Jesus washed the disciples feet and you don’t need to explain they wore open shoes on dusty roads. Your answer is “Because they didn’t have a tap outside their front door like us.”

...when your toddler reaches the end of the alphabet song she stops at “Y” looks to you unsure of how to sing the final letter.

...what you call biscuits, they call cookies. Then when you make biscuits with American friends they are confused as to why scones come out of the oven instead of cookies.   

...chopsticks are the first thing they grab when they see spaghetti heading to the table.

This is all from my point of view of course. If Soeun made a list it would be quite different, their childhood is so different compared to his even though our cross cultural kids are growing up in his country.

And why does this matter?  Tanya Crossman explains here:

"An important thing to grasp is that Third Culture Kids ( TCKs who become ATCKs) begin their expat journey as children, while Third Culture Adults do not live abroad until adulthood.

It might sound subtle, but the difference is actually very significant. The children of expat families are TCKs – but the parents are usually TCAs. They are living in the same country, but while parents experience and process the challenge of cross-cultural living as adults, TCKs grow up and form identity in the middle of it."

And linking up with Velvet Ashes for "Children"

3 reasons for a cross cultural family to laugh at dinner time

I had already put forks on the table, but my son got himself a pair of chopsticks when he saw we were having spaghetti.

I found it amusing. His default way to eat Italian noodles is with chopsticks. Subconsciously I thought as I was serving Western rather than an Asian meal I assumed we would eating it the Western way. But his actions makes sense, as all he's seen his whole life is people eating noodles with chopsticks. I have also eaten spaghetti with chopsticks, but only in my adult life which I would describe as 'between worlds'.

Meanwhile, Soeun is also amused. Although I think of spaghetti as a dinnertime food he doesn't. Noodles are usually only for breakfast or a snack in Cambodia, it's not a proper dinner unless you are eating rice. Even though, as an adult he has lived in Australia and many times has had to eat an evening meal of pasta.

"Like Mummy! Like Mummy!" Our daughter was (trying) to use her fork, but laughing as she did. It seemed like she also would have though using chopsticks would be the normal thing, but she was amusing herself by imitating my funny way of eating. 

So in summary: I was laughing at our son for using chopsticks, Soeun was laughing at me for serving noodles for dinner and our daughter was laughing at me for using a fork. It was a fun family meal. Eating and laughing together.

The way you eat is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to culture. The visible, the tangible bit that sticks out of the water for all to see.  We can see how our children are learning some Western and Asian ways and it is kind of fun and interesting at this point. Their childhood is different to both Soeun's and mine. I assume as they grow up they will also be forming and learning their own fusion of ways of thinking and relating, of values and worldview. The majority of the iceberg is under the water, we can't see it, at least not at first glance.

Soeun and I are also learning a bit about each other's culture but only in our adult life, while our children are doing it in their developmental years. A big difference. And the majority of "culture" is the bottom part of the iceberg that is not so obvious.

We can already see that their 'normal' is different to both their parents. Their mother grew up eating spaghetti for dinner and their father grew up eating noodles with chopsticks. They are growing up eating spaghetti with chopsticks for the evening meal. Abnormal to both Daddy and Mummy - for different reasons.

It is likely we won't understand them by default. It is likely they will sometimes feel like they belong everywhere (with both the chopsticks users and the pasta dinner people) and sometimes feel like  they belong nowhere (who else thinks chopsticks when they see Australian style Italian food?). We hope that we'll have a family culture of eating and laughing together, where they feel they belong.

Linking up with Velvet Ashes.