"Give him 4.5ml once a day."
I couldn't understand what the nurse was telling me, although I knew I should be able to, and I knew it was important. My son had a scary looking infection, with a weird red line growing out of it. Why couldn't I understand the instructions? And what would happen to my son if he didn't take the antibiotics correctly? What if his blood got infected?
It felt like there wasn't much action in the logical part of my brain, the fear response was taking over. My brain was tricking me into reliving the emotion I had when my husband was sick. Even though it was more than seven years ago it felt like it just happening in the present. The counsellor had explained it to me almost 12 months before, and the book I happened to be reading in the waiting room explained it to me on the spot. ( A Sandwich of Sickness Stories) That's what can happen after a "big T trauma".
I memorised the instructions (still without understanding) and repeated them to Soeun when I got home, and he gave our son the medicine. Part of it was written down in Khmer language but not in full detail.
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| Just popped out the front gate to take this while cooking dinner. |
Surprise 1
Dealing with my health was more urgent than I had thought! The last few months I have just been dealt with my post trauma stuff mostly by avoiding triggers, like thinking about going to Australia. But right at the start of June both our kids needed medical attention and I realised I wasn't really well enough to take care of them. Seeing a family member in pain can also be a trigger. Now I get why they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first, before helping others.
Surprise 2
It was too hard to arrange things for me to get help- that was our position over the last few months. But in the first week of June it switched to- it would be too hard to keep going without getting help.
The surprise was that when we actually started planning things fell into place. And it will give us a chance to deal with a couple of other things too.
Surprise 3
Back in January we finished up with our Khmer church. We decided for 6 months we would just go to House Church (English speaking). It was nice for me, but weird for Soeun. We didn't have a plan for when the period of time was over, but just at the right time a new church popped up in our commune. Soeun has already been visiting and now it seems like its going to work.
Surprise 4
On the last day of the month Soeun started getting messages from his neighbourhood football team. A farming accident was in progress and ended up being fatal. Such a shock.
So here we are at the start of July, with the mournful music and monk chanting sounds all across the neighbourhood from around 5 or 6 am. And it seems like mostly our days are filled with errands and admin, which are mostly health related. Tomorrow is the funeral of the boy who was killed. Also its our daughters 5th and final post exposure needle from her dog bite last month. It feels a bit like a full stop of all surprises. Not sure what the next bit will look like!
I didn't really think through this blog post as much as usual, feels like there is a lot going on and wanted to record it as it happens. Hopefully it made sense!
