The other day was a long hot day of being around my
kindergarten aged children. I was exhausted and wishing I could take a break.
But that night I was reading a bit about young children going to boarding school,and the pain this causes and felt glad, that despite the stress I could be
around mine 24/7.
Having that perspective helped me, but I remembered a time
when it was actually harmful.
Many well meaning people said things which sounded comforting when my
husband was sick, so I said “thank you”. I could see they thought they were
giving me a soothing mug of chamomile tea, but if felt like they were stabbing
me with a blunt knife.
“At least things aren’t as bad as they could be.”
“But you have so much to be thankful for.”
And I also talked to myself in this way. From this distance
of over 6 years later it feels like these conversations made things worse. Like
I was ignoring the fact I was going through something like the trauma and grief
of losing a spouse (although he wasactually present despite it feeling like he was absent) and just focusing on
thing like how nice it was to drink milk again after living in Cambodia for
five years.
Why did I say thanks when I was being stabbed? Was it
because I thought those words should help, because in previous times of stress
they had? Was it because I was confused about how I felt as I didn’t have my
husband to talk to and work it out? Was it because I wanted to let people feel
like they had helped me and end the conversation on a high note? Whatever the
reason I’m glad to be reading Megan Devine these days.
Linking up with Five minute Friday. free write for five minutes flat on a one-word writing prompt. (OFFER)
4 comments:
Katherine, we are neighbors at Five Minute Friday today. I don't know your story but I do know about grief and I have learned grief never goes away, it gets absorbed into the fabric of who we are. We are grateful yet we grieve. Dr. Seuss said it so well (I know he isn't very spiritual, but...)
"Don't cry because it's over - Smile because it happened."
Good post this morning.
I am another neighbor from Five Minute Friday - I too know grief and trauma. The pain we learn to deal with it but I do not believe it goes away. Mine flairs up at unexpected times. I have tried to learn the triggers. But we are here with you. You are not alone.
Thanks neighbours!I've only recently had counsellors call it grief and trauma,after struggling with it for years not knowing what it was! Just having a name has been great. And I think writing about it is part of trauma recovery for me. Recalling the memories myself without the post trauma reaction.
Isn't it interesting that offering comfort can be such a difficult thing? You'd think it'd be the most natural thing to do but no we easily mess up badly. While all is needed is to be there, no words necessary. Thanks for sharing. Blessings to you!
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