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Before
Why couldn’t I let go of the past?
I tried to get over it by waiting; expecting time would dissolve it.
I tried to get over it by facing it. I re-engaged with places and people. I expected that creating new happy memories would dispel the old unhappy ones.
I tried to get over it by seeing a counselor. Counseling hadn’t seemed helpful before, but what did I have to lose? If only I could get myself to see it was OK, I get back to normal life soon.
The Moment
“You probably experienced big T trauma. It changed your brain.”
Trauma? Me? I hadn’t been violently attacked or in an earthquake or war. It was a bizarre left-field thing for me to hear my counselor say. How was it connected to me?
And yet at the same time, it made so much sense. I needed to hear more. It was only a few minutes until our session was going to end. Should I mention to her time is up?
I stayed quiet. My desire to know more obliterated my need to follow the clock.
A dramatic and unfamiliar word. Yet strangely, it made me feel lighter and energized.
My journal from that day just says TRAUMA!!! I was too excited to write anymore.
When you have good news, you can’t help but share it. I ran to tell my husband, and I emailed a few friends.
“I’m traumatized! Yay!”
I wrote about it in our newsletter:
The emotional response doesn’t come from what might happen in the future. (Before I heard the word Trauma I thought my bad feelings were anxiety about the future).
It comes from what already happened in the past. My brain is tricking me into reliving the worst moments. This is why knowing things are safe now does not change my feelings at all.
My Fear response is not listening to my Logic.
The brain acts as if it is happening now, the same as it was then. And it doesn’t exist in the rational part of my brain, which explains why I can’t talk myself out of it. I’m not failing at getting over it, it is not over. It is still happening now.
After
I noticed when I felt I was in danger.
I noticed I knew I wasn’t in danger, but I felt I was.
I noticed her and gave her a name. Now I could see her and explain her to other people. Mrs. Logic Blocker (Mrs. LB) is a mean woman in my brain. She sometimes disrupts the communication between Logic and Fear response.
I noticed friends could feel like attackers by using the wrong phrase. They triggered Mrs. LB.
I noticed too, these same friends could care for me in that attack. Instead of trying to calm me down or reason with me, they let my irrational outburst run its course.
I noticed nothing in my anxiety tool kit made any impact on Mrs. LB. It wasn’t that I wasn’t trying hard enough — they were the wrong tools. Awareness of her gave me relief overall, but I still had to ride out hours, days of fear.
I noticed Mrs. LB ran away and hid when I spent time with friends who made me feel protected and known.
These friends let me experience God’s presence through them, rather than quoting Bible verses at me. It felt like they were God’s stunt- doubles, although we usually call them Christian pastors.
Mrs. LB had no power against the safety I felt with them. Time with God’s stunt-doubles can dispel an acute attack and leave me feeling safe for days.
Conclusion
The most significant point on my healing journey so far has been calling my issue “trauma”. I didn’t know naming something could be healing.
Finding out my brain was tricking me into feeling scared when I knew I was safe was a big “aha” moment.
Now I call it my trauma response, or Mrs. Logic Blocker. I’m less frustrated with myself now that I know the reason and anxiety tools are impotent.
I thought I had to try harder and I would get over it. Freedom replaces frustration when I notice my feelings of safety and danger.
It is not that I can’t let go of the past, it’s like the past won’t let go of me.
Written in July 2021 for the prompt "Defining moment"
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