Friday, October 13, 2017

Risky and yet not risky?

Our fan broke in quite a dramatic way. With a loud noise the cover went flying off and the pieces of broken blade also ended up on the floor.

On Wednesday morning I had to move away from the fan to turn the page. The force of wind made the page flap rapidly and I couldn’t turn it as normal. It reminded me of my crazy emotions, also flapping around rapidly, and until recently preventing me from going forward. 

What was that wind? Why was I so emotional?

I was at a crossroads and making the decision felt risky. It would be wise to go down the road that leads to the relationships and resources I rely on.  I’ll have what I need. People will see me as more responsible, it will be better for my reputation.

But the other road seems like the best use of gifts and and the best way to care for family. But it seems like an option rebellious people would take. Even though it seemed that is the best way I couldn’t imagine my future if I chose that road.

But what do I mean by rebellious? What do I think I’m rebelling against?What is rebellion in the Bible? If it is just the Christian culture and what people will think of me that’s quite different to rebelling against God. In some cases these may be in sync, but in this case it looks like they are opposites.

A Christian’s reputation might be important when there are non-believers watching. Recently there were some workers who weren’t getting paid and they thought it was because their Christian boss hadn’t paid the middle man. When in fact the boss had paid and it was the middle man pocketing the money.

But when it is Christians putting “confidence in the flesh” as Paul mentions in Philippians 3:4-6, reputation becomes a hindrance. Paul has so much to be proud of and to rely on! “”… a Hebrew of Hebrews;  in regard to the law, a Pharisee;…”

Although seeings how I'm not a Jewish man,  Amy Medina’s Confessions of a good girl  makes a bit more sense:

Growing up, I was the poster child for Good Christian Girls.

Straight-A student?  Check.
Never listen to Madonna or watch 90210?  Check, check.
Don't drink, smoke, or chew, or go with boys who do?  Check, check, check. 
I tutored inner-city kids.  I helped to lead a Bible club for disabled teens.  My ambition was to become a missionary, for crying out loud.  I was oozing with goodness.

Is the wind that is flapping about my emotions just my pride? 
Do I need to turn away from that to move forward?

I’m hesitant to post this as I’m still on a journey. But I want to remember this in between moment; relieved to have decided but not yet having to deal with consequences. Plus this week at Velvet Ashes is all about risk.

After the exhaustion leading up to this, there is exhilaration of having jumped over a big hurdle. 

Despite the unknowns of the future, I’m enjoying finally having chosen the route that seems like the Reliable One would want me to, not the one of the things I rely on .

It looks obvious like this but for a long time was blurred by crazy emotions, reputation is more of a priority than it should be .

Risky and yet not risky.

Fear of man will prove to be a snare,
but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.

Proverbs 29:25

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