Dismantling our home

Even though I knew it was going to  happen, somehow it was really upsetting to see Soeun taking apart our bed yesterday. Watching the legs come off the base of the metal frame as my husband unscrewed it, made me feel like our place of comfort was being dismembered. This week Velvet Ashes theme is chaos, very fitting for our week too.

This house move is different to many of our other moves.
I'm not pregnant this time, as I was the last two moves. We aren't needing to cull our belongings to fit in a 20kg bag as we do when we move internationally.  And we're also not trying to get rid of things so everything will fit on one truck, like we did when we moved from Phnom Penh to Siem Reap. And we don't even have a moving day, more like a moving week.

But its also the same as every other move.
Seeing all our belonging packed up, and moved around and out the door feels so disorientating, like we are dismantling our home. Packing and moving all the things in our home means the space where I feel comfortable and in control is disappearing. Living cross-culturally, so many things feel so chaotic. When I'm out and about in the crazy traffic and markets it can be exciting and stressful at the same time. Knowing I've got a calm, comfortable space to come home to means I can enjoy the chaos and be part of it more. And although we have somewhere else to go when we move out of here, it will be awhile before we are unpacked and settled. We'll be living out of routine and out of boxes. Suspended in limbo for an unknown amount of time.

A new place is hard to imagine, I'm not sure what to expect. New habits, new sounds, new routes to new shops. New ways to make sharing space and time work for me (an introvert from an individualist culture) and for all the other family members. And then even when we do settle in that place, it is still temporary.

Seeing  my bed turn into a pile of pipes mostly feels like falling off a cliff but hopefully this is a reminder that we do have an eternal home. 

Risky and yet not risky?

Our fan broke in quite a dramatic way. With a loud noise the cover went flying off and the pieces of broken blade also ended up on the floor.

On Wednesday morning I had to move away from the fan to turn the page. The force of wind made the page flap rapidly and I couldn’t turn it as normal. It reminded me of my crazy emotions, also flapping around rapidly, and until recently preventing me from going forward. 

What was that wind? Why was I so emotional?

I was at a crossroads and making the decision felt risky. It would be wise to go down the road that leads to the relationships and resources I rely on.  I’ll have what I need. People will see me as more responsible, it will be better for my reputation.

But the other road seems like the best use of gifts and and the best way to care for family. But it seems like an option rebellious people would take. Even though it seemed that is the best way I couldn’t imagine my future if I chose that road.

But what do I mean by rebellious? What do I think I’m rebelling against?What is rebellion in the Bible? If it is just the Christian culture and what people will think of me that’s quite different to rebelling against God. In some cases these may be in sync, but in this case it looks like they are opposites.

A Christian’s reputation might be important when there are non-believers watching. Recently there were some workers who weren’t getting paid and they thought it was because their Christian boss hadn’t paid the middle man. When in fact the boss had paid and it was the middle man pocketing the money.

But when it is Christians putting “confidence in the flesh” as Paul mentions in Philippians 3:4-6, reputation becomes a hindrance. Paul has so much to be proud of and to rely on! “”… a Hebrew of Hebrews;  in regard to the law, a Pharisee;…”

Although seeings how I'm not a Jewish man,  Amy Medina’s Confessions of a good girl  makes a bit more sense:

Growing up, I was the poster child for Good Christian Girls.

Straight-A student?  Check.
Never listen to Madonna or watch 90210?  Check, check.
Don't drink, smoke, or chew, or go with boys who do?  Check, check, check. 
I tutored inner-city kids.  I helped to lead a Bible club for disabled teens.  My ambition was to become a missionary, for crying out loud.  I was oozing with goodness.

Is the wind that is flapping about my emotions just my pride? 

Do I need to turn away from that to move forward?

I’m hesitant to post this as I’m still on a journey. But I want to remember this in between moment; relieved to have decided but not yet having to deal with consequences. Plus this week at Velvet Ashes is all about risk.

After the exhaustion leading up to this, there is exhilaration of having jumped over a big hurdle. 

Despite the unknowns of the future, I’m enjoying finally having chosen the route that seems like the Reliable One would want me to, not the one of the things I rely on .

It looks obvious like this but for a long time was blurred by crazy emotions, reputation is more of a priority than it should be .

Risky and yet not risky.

Fear of man will prove to be a snare,

but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.

Proverbs 29:25

5 Things I like about living in Siem Reap (at the moment)

This used to be our holiday destination- now we live here!

1. The small town feel of bumping into the same people at the supermarket and kids playground, it feels like its easy to get to know people. There are only a handful of shops that sell foreign food, and only a few places to take kids to play- so I often see the same people again and again. Its a lovely community feel. Various nationalities, and it feels like there are quite a few mixed race families (or whatever the proper term is) too, our kids have many playmates who have one Khmer parent and one non-Khmer parent.

I think most expats I know in Phnom Penh are with Christian organisations. I feel like I have much more of a variety of expat friends here, compared to in PP. Might be more related to having kids than having moved to Siem Reap.

 

2. Yet, despite the small town-ness, I can still feel anonymous when I want to. The tourist industry is huge here, I can walk around in the restaurant district and feel like I'm on some exotic holiday.

3. After living in PP, its nice to live in a small town with less traffic and less flooding. It feels so much easier. More relaxed, less hassle to get around. More pleasant for bike riding- a river flanked by grass and tall trees is a much nicer environment than kilometres of busy dirty city.

4. And the whole reason we moved here has worked out too, better than we thought. Originally we wanted to move north as Soeun wanted to help church leaders in remote places by giving them ongoing training and chances to have fellowship. We had looked at living somewhere really remote- it would be a huge adjustment for me, and I'm not sure how I would cope, especially  at this stage of life.  Siem Reap seemed like a good place to live for the family, and at the same time quick and easy for Soeun to travel out. 

However it turns out the church in town already has this set up, and the church leaders/students travel into town for classes. There are now also some other locations a bit out of town when classes are held as well. So Soeun is able to do the ministry he had hoped to do, but without leaving town too much. And if feels like it makes so much sense to join in what is already happening. 

5. growing up in a country that has Christmas and then living in Asia, its been really weird. I remember my first Christmas in Asia, seeing people go to the bank and school etc on Dec 25th, it just seemed so wrong. Thanks to the tourist industry, Siem Reap feels Christmassy in December. We can catch a tuk tuk around and see the Christmas lights.