Thankfulness? {fmf}

It looks like a flower but is it? pc unsplash

Seeing people post on Facebook what they are thankful for during the pandemic recently reminded me of how I feel something unpleasant (maybe cynical?) when I think about being thankful.

How did I end up here? And didn't I already think through this and came up with a new perspective back here? 

And then scrolling further I found some posts on "toxic positivity", forcing happiness. Maybe that's what I had actually been doing? I was calling it "being thankful" but another perspective one could call it toxic positivity.  During a difficult season I would try to find things to be thankful for- there were plenty I could list. I had food, shelter, friends. The Bible tells us to be thankful, wasn't that what I was supposed to do?

But this week as I've been doing the Velvet Ashes retreat and I'm wondering if what I was missing was focusing on the eternal. So I did have all those good things I listed, but I also had a lot of pain, which I didn't really know how to notice at the time. And there is always going to be pain this side of the new creation, but one day all will be restored. Maybe if that had been the one big thing on my thankful list I would have a better relationship with giving thanks now?

A Five Minute Friday write on the word PERSPECTIVE.

What does a successful day look like?

“Well, that was a successful day,” I thought to myself as the kids and I headed home in a tuk tuk. 

At 5pm in Cambodia the sun is already setting. With the spectacular rainy season clouds and the tall palm trees there is enough to distract me from all the motorbikes that are zooming and weaving around us. 

My big achievement for the day had been lying down for 2.5 hours. 

Yes, congratulations to me for resting from 12.30 until 3pm. Having time to do that meant that I had a bit more energy and concentration for the one hour visit with friends in the late afternoon. 

Although my iron levels are in normal range now I feel like my brain fog is getting worse, it is so frustrating trying to interact with people when take so long to think. Hence, a long nap time to ensure I was feeling well enough to take the kids out.

It is one year since I started noticing fatigue. And since its my fatigue- iversary as I mentioned here I guess I’ve been noticing these things. I probably would not have called a two and a half hour rest a successful day before I was sick!

Today's Five Minute Friday writing prompt is success.

Photo by twinsfisch on Unsplash

Looking back at (non) recovery of trauma (graded exposure)

Avoiding it for ages only makes it worse.

Jumping in too far too fast makes it worse too. 

So what to do? 

Graded exposure therapy or desensitization is something I learnt about recently in relation to coping with my PTW (post trauma weirdness). Looking back over the years I can see the times I tried to just get over and rip the Band Aid off probably retraumatized me. And the fact that I've lived with it for so many years also kind of feels like it is getting harder.

So graded exposure makes a lot of sense. Dipping into it in a small way, until that gets comfortable, then moving on to the next step, or the next rung up the ladder. Staying there until that feels comfortable etc etc. Maybe like if you were afraid of dogs so you got a toy dog to play with, and then moved on to playing with a puppy, and eventually you could work your way up to a full grown dog.

For more on this see the 3 books I listed here that have been useful in recent months.  

Five Minute Friday free write. Word prompt: BACK

I was happy to find out (again) that my thyroid....

Last October I felt tired...so tired. Sleeping didn't help. I had some blood tests. Turned out one of my thyroid tests was abnormally high. My TSH was 9 when it is supposed to be between 0.4 and 4.

I was happy to finally find out that my thyroid was probably cause for fatigue.

So in January I travelled  to see a doctor about it. He did his own blood tests for thyroid function in his more reliable lab (he didn't trust the lab I'd used). It turned out that actually my TSH was only 2.2. In range. So my thyroid was ok. The scan and exam of it gave him no concern.

I was disappointed to find out that my thyroid couldn't be the cause for fatigue. Not that I want to be sick, but I want to know why I was so tired.

But then last month I travelled a bit further to see another doctor. I told her I had though I had a thyroid issues previously but my function was fine. She ended up doing the tests again, and 2 extra that hadn't been available back in Cambodia. So my TSH was still in range but the other 2 tests showed that -yes,  I DO  have a thyroid problem.

I was happy to finally find out (again) that my thyroid was probably the reason for fatigue.

***

This is the simplified 5 min version- thyroids are much more complicated. I just tapped this out in the required five minutes. 

Link up- Five Minute Friday- word prompt for this week AGAIN

Taking care of your heart well

It was exciting to be part of a big campus ministry. So many things happening. New training programs for believers. Creative outreach ideas. People reading new books about evangelism and old books about the Bible. Conferences out of town, big events on campus and meetings about meetings.

   

In all this excitement I remember feeling surprised that the director kept talking about something that seemed so ordinary and mundane. Bible reading and praying. Throughout the two years I kept hearing this mentioned as the main thing that needed to happen, the most important thing. Maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised but all the events were all new and exciting to me, while reading the Bible and praying seemed like such a normal, boring, everyday thing to engage in.

I was reminded of this when I was reading Serving Well, in a section called Taking care of your heart well.

"We need so much more than yesterday’s manna, so much more than the gorging of conferences or the regurgitations of famous teachers. We need time with God and his Word. Today.

Each bite will not be Instagrammable. Each bite will not be magnificent and earth-shattering and memorable, and that’s as it should be, because sometimes you just need the calories. Regular, non-crisis reading of the Word may seem to make zero difference in your life today or even tomorrow. But I promise you, in a year or ten or fifty, the consistent ingesting of the Word will make all the difference."

Trotter, Jonathan. Serving Well: Help for the Wannabe, Newbie,or Weary Cross-cultural Christian Worker . Resource Publications, an Imprint ofWipf and Stock Publishers. Kindle Edition.

WELL is the word prompt for Five Minute Friday this week.

How do you pronounce your husband's name again?

"like a pair of old shoes, we are useless without each other (well, I’m useless without him, but I think he’d do okay without me since he’s way better at parenting and adulting than I am). Thank you, Lord for my other shoe!!!"

From an article about marriage on Velvet Ashes.

That's how I feel too, about Soeun. The fact that he can pronounce my name correctly every time but I can't do the same for him is indicative of our language and culture skills.  He knows how to function in my country, Australia. And I quite happily live in his country Cambodia but probably with a lot more limitation. It doesn't feel limited to me on a day by day basis but if I were suddenly dropped in rural Cambodia it would be quite a shock. Conversely if he were dropped out back of Bourke he would probably be OK.   

People often ask me what is hard about cross cultural marriage. I used to try to think of something interesting to say, while secretly wondering if we were doing it wrong. Was it meant to be hard? Why did people keep asking me that question, why didn't an answer come to mind? I think Soeun does most of the language and culture work in our relationship so to me it just feels like home.

Five Minute Friday free write link up. This week the word is: NAME

Edit update: Just now I was with some English speakers. A friend was explaining to a new person about my husband.
My friend turned to me and asked me something along the lines of "How do you say your husband's name?" (Which made me laugh as I had just  written this.)
"Soeun"  I said
But then my daughter piped up, declaring to a table full of adults, "But his real name is Daddy."

Culture Gap between generations {fmf}

“Yucky” was my son’s first reaction when he saw people wearing shoes inside. It was his first ever visit to Sydney, Australia.

It was alarming for him when he was handed a drink of tap water.  “But that will make me sick.”

I was amused. After growing up in Australia I have lived in Asia most of my adult life. I always find it weird going back to Australia and doing those things again, after not doing them for so long. But for my son he is not doing them AGAIN, it was all new to him.

My children are Australian. I'm Australian. We all live in Cambodia together, but our experience of this is different. My children are having their developmental years here, forming their identity.

When I came across this article about the Culture Gap I realised I needed to learn more.  

This gap can go unnoticed which creates frustrations and kids growing up overseas usually feel misunderstood by their parents. Most of culture is like the bulk of the iceberg, hidden under the water. Things like shoes and taps are easy to see and talk about, but most things aren't. There is a reason the author called her book Misunderstood. 

Hopefully we as parents can notice this gap and learn to see the world from our children’s point of view.  

I don't know if I explained this very well. If you are a parent bringing kids up overseas I encourage you to read this, or this. Or these. Or watch this 3 minute video.

This week the Five Minute Friday free write word prompt is CULTURE


Photo by Jacek Dylag on Unsplash

Feeling betrayed {fmf}

He laughed and talked for ages in the local language. All that smiling I assumed it promised happiness. But later the missionary told us he had been talking about some really tragic and sad things, such as his child dying. When I was new to cross cultural life I felt betrayed. I thought the smile promised happiness, but it didn't.

My husband, full of relief ran to the library to borrow a stack of books to read for his essay. We thought a pain free day was the promise of good health. But later the sickness consumed him again and the stack of books went unread. When we were new to chronic illness life we felt betrayed. We thought a good day promised recovery, but it didn't.

I felt betrayed in both cases, but actually promises were never made. Learning to reinterpret has been part of learning our new normal as we cross cultures and live with pain.

This week the Five Minute Friday link up word prompt is PROMISE.

Photo by Allef Vinicius on Unsplash

4 reasons I hate going to church {fmf}

I feel like I never get anything out of it, or put anything into it.
Plus it throws off my kids sleep so we all get extra tired and grumpy on Sundays.
The practical side of taking 2 kids to church is hard.

But while all this is going on- the getting there, and finally being there, but not involved in the main meeting, there is a fourth reason I hate going to church. I'm also dealing with a broken brain. Whenever my husband has to miss church due to his chronic illnesss, my brain tricks me into re-living the feeling I had when he was first sick. It was a long time ago but it was traumatic.

So with all this as the norm, it makes it really hard to get there each Sunday. Why do we do this? What is the point of the practice of going to church if  I can't hear a Bible talk or pray with people? If I'm never going to be able to sign myself up on any rosters? (Our church fellowship is run by others like me, we don't have a pastor.)

With feelings of exhaustion and without answers, but still feeling like I need to be at church (am I just being graceless, legalistic?), Sunday just feels like an insurmountable mountain.

I was particularly overwhelmed this Sunday just gone. It was potluck week. Eating dinner together is such a great practice for a group of Christians. But getting food for myself and 2 little people after playing in the hot sun for two hours? Not so great. The table of food looked inviting, but the people chaos was too much, I stepped out of the line with my 3 plates and 2 kids.

Why hadn't I gone home earlier as planned? I knew this was going to be too hard. The tears that had been trying to escape for the last couple of hours were almost having success.

But then two kind people grabbed a plate each and started getting food for the kids.

Suddenly things felt much easier, and I had an answer to my question. Why do I go to church when I end up exhausted with nothing to show for it?

Community. I'm part of the church.

Maybe for now all I need to be doing is being there.

Turn up and hand the plate over.

(End of 5 minutes.)

This week’s Five Minute Friday writing prompt is: PRACTICE

********

I'm sharing my story with you for the same reason as Fruitful Today. 

"My prayer is that your church relationships will be strengthened through this series (of interviews), whether you’re living with an invisible illness, or seeking to better support those in your church family who live with ongoing health conditions." 

"I hope you enjoy these glimpses inside the minds of your chronically ill brothers and sisters in Christ!" 

You can read them here:Interviews about church and invisible illness

********

While brutal at the time, the issues with kids feels a bit easier than the chronic illness one for me. Many other people have done it, or a doing it. Plus its a temporary situation. In 5 years time the kids will be 5 years older!  

For more on going to church with kids The Gospel Coalition has this : 5 reasons to keep going to church with baby brain.

Photo by Charles Etoroma on Unsplash

What happens when you don't give yourself an opportunity? {fmf}

My relationship with thankfulness soured when I realised I'd used it to paper over pain. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing, being thankful. I've been wondering and trying to get a new perspective on this. I don't want to continually feel cynical every time there is an opportunity for gratitude. I don't want to stop being thankful altogether. 

I think I found what I was looking for today when I read this Power's Out Protocol on A Life Overseas. On the surface it is about how one American family is coping with heat and humidity (here in Cambodia) while the power and water keep going on and off like twinkle lights. Well, maybe more off than on. If you've lived in tropics you know how essential a fan and water are when the temperature is hovering around 38 degrees (which is about 100 degrees if you are from Myanmar, Liberia, America etc). And the humidity... 

Step One of their protocol was to give themselves the opportunity to acknowledge how hard it was (actually they suggested swearing). It wasn't until step FIVE the author said it was time to say something you are grateful for. 

From step one:

"1. @#(Q^&#!!!! (bleep)

We don’t STAY here, in the first step, but we do allow it. The alternative is to try to rush past reality, forcing ourselves and our children into a hazy universe where Christians are never uncomfortable, where Christians aren’t allowed to feel (or voice) difficult emotions, and frankly, that’s not very Biblical."

And from step five: 

"5. Say something you’re grateful for
This isn’t just some kitschy saying, belonging on hand towels at your grandmom’s house. This is actually evidence-based. And Biblically-based, turns out.

This is step five, NOT step one. That’s important. We do want to shepherd our kids and ourselves into an overarching attitude of gratefulness. But forcing gratefulness too soon just leads to hypocrisy and resentment." 

So I think that is what I've been looking for. It is not that thankfulness is bad but when I was in pain I skipped past step one, I didn't give myself the opportunity to realise things were hard . My pain was an ambiguous loss, related to invisible illness so it wasn't obvious to me or those around me. I just skipped over that fact that I felt like I had lost my husband and went straight to all the many things I could be thankful for- food, friends, shelter.

"So my husband is in unending pain, but at least I have bread and milk."

...free write for five minutes flat on a one-word writing prompt:opportunity ...

   

What do poor people lack {fmf}

It has been a long hot humid day here in Cambodia. Feeling so tired and slow, but wanting to try the 5 min free write today anyway.... hope it makes sense. Linking up with FMF. This week the word is LACK.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" A common question children get asked in some places. But it makes no sense to others.

According to When Helping Hurts, rich people describe poverty as lack of food, money, water, medical, housing etc. A focus on the material. Where as poor people emphasize things like shame, inferiority, powerlessness, fear, voicelessness etc. More social and psychological than material.

I know the bad that can come from a medical misdiagnosis. You end up not getting better, sometimes getting worse. The authors say this is what happens in poverty alleviation. The rich people don't know what the actual problem is (but they think they do) so they might go about solving it the wrong way.

I skim read this article today, about how we equate having a life with having choice. It reminded me of a weekend away I went on in my first year of uni. At that stage of life it is all so exciting to be choosing a career and working towards it but stressing about it too. We were reminded for most people in the world that stress is actually not an issue as there is no choice, its about survival.

 Photo by Javier Allegue Barros on Unsplash

Offering Comfort {fmf}

The other day was a long hot day of being around my kindergarten aged children. I was exhausted and wishing I could take a break. But that night I was reading a bit about young children going to boarding school,and the pain this causes and felt glad, that despite the stress I could be around mine 24/7.

Having that perspective helped me, but I remembered a time when it was actually harmful.

Many well meaning people  said things which sounded comforting when my husband was sick, so I said “thank you”. I could see they thought they were giving me a soothing mug of chamomile tea, but if felt like they were stabbing me with a blunt knife.  

“At least things aren’t as bad as they could be.”

“But you have so much to be thankful for.”

And I also talked to myself in this way. From this distance of over 6 years later it feels like these conversations made things worse. Like I was ignoring the fact I was going through something like the trauma and grief of losing a spouse  (although he wasactually present despite it feeling like he was absent) and just focusing on thing like how nice it was to drink milk again after living in Cambodia for five years.  

Why did I say thanks when I was being stabbed? Was it because I thought those words should help, because in previous times of stress they had? Was it because I was confused about how I felt as I didn’t have my husband to talk to and work it out? Was it because I wanted to let people feel like they had helped me and end the conversation on a high note? Whatever the reason I’m glad to be reading Megan Devine these days.

 Photo by Nicole Honeywill on Unsplash

Linking up with Five minute Friday.  free write for five minutes flat on a one-word writing prompt. (OFFER)

2 ways to read more of the Bible {fmf}

Years ago I was using a Bible reading plan that took me through the whole Bible at least once in the space of two years. I did it twice in a row, back to back. In the space of four years I read the whole 66 books at least twice, some parts would have been more (I think some Psalms were repeated a few times.)

A couple of years ago I read the book of Revelation. I started in November 2016 and finished around April 2018. It took about a year and a half to read just one of those 66 books. (I didn't plan the timing, it just took how long it took.)

In some ways it feel like I read the Bible more with the whole Bible reading plan, I certainly read more of it. In other ways it feels like I read more of the Bible when I took about 18 months to read one book.

With the whole Bible reading plan, I had to skim read two new passages each day, and sometimes read a devotion on it.

With Revelation I read it myself, I read it with a group and used a study book. I listened to the Bible online while I was cleaning, I listened to Phillip Jensen sermons, he had at least one sermon on each part. I read a Paul Barnett book. I read each chapter again and again. I wrote about it such as this and this. I was fully immersed in it for all those months.

Linking up with Five Minute Friday...a one-word prompt every week, and you have the opportunity to free write for five minutes flat on that one word, then join the link-up...this week the word is MORE

Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash

Searching for an origin {fmf}

"Where are you from?"

I wondered how my son was going to answer this question when it was put to him by a stranger in a supermarket. I was busy choosing which oats to buy. The ones with environmentally friendly packaging, or budget friendly price?

The stranger tried to answer his own question based on my children's accents.

"England? New Zealand?"

His guesses sort of surprised me, but my son's answer surprised me more.

"THAILAND!"

Neither of his parents are Thai, and he doesn't live in Thailand. But, to be fair, he was born there. He was totally blank when the stranger started speaking Thai language to him though.

As a Third Culture Adult I find that question hard enough to answer myself, so it will be interesting to see what the next generation make of it.

I ended up choosing the oats in the tin that the kids like to use as a toy drum.

End of Five Minutes

After reading blogs like this one, about the culture gap between expat parents and their children I realised it would be useful to find out more. At the moment I'm reading some books about Third Culture Kids (TCKs). I don't know if my children fit exactly and exclusively into that category (and everyone is different anyway) but they are definitely at least one type of Cross Cultural Kid (CCK). Growing up in Cambodia with a Cambodian father, but an Australian mother.

My reading started back here with Between Worlds, but these are books I'm part way through at the moment:

Third Culture Kids: Growing up among worlds seems to be like the "Bible" of TCK literature. And the 3rd edition broadens out to include CCKs generally.
"...the authority on "TCKs"--children of expatriates, missionaries, military personnel and others who live and work abroad. With a significant part of their developmental years spent outside of their passport country, TCKs create their own, unique "third" cultures. 

Authors Pollock and Van Reken pioneered the TCK profile, which brought to light the emotional and psychologoical realities that come with the TCK journey, often resulting in feelings of rootlessness and grief but also an increased confidence and ability to interact with many cultures.... widens the net to discuss the experiences of CCKs, cross-cultural kids, who are immigrants, international adoptees or the children of biracial or bicultural parents." 

Misunderstood 
"Tanya has spent 13 years working with, and advocating for, Third Culture Kids (TCKs). Her research focuses on TCKs born after 1985 – those who grew up in the internet age. If this topic is new to you (or even if it isn’t!) a good place to begin exploring is Tanya’s explanation of what “Third Culture” is and why it matters to expat children"

Finding Home is a collection of stories from different people about their experience of growing up outside their passport country.

"Who are Third Culture Kids? What makes their experience of identity, home, belonging, travel, trauma, school unique? And yet, what connects them together, across the globe?

How can parents and educators and friends support the TCKs we know and love as they walk through issues as diverse as transitioning to university in their passport country, where they may never have lived, to how to navigate being ethnically of one country but belonging to a family from a different country through adoption while living in still another country?"

Linking up with Five Minute Friday... a one-word prompt every week, and you have the opportunity to free write for five minutes flat on that one word, then join the link-up...the word: SEARCH

Photo credit: multiple places on the internet 

Just do the next thing. Our steps towards home-school. {fmf}

It started as a financial issue. A few years ago we realised would probably need to home-school our children. I met with people, read blogs, started to learn about it. We discovered we had more reasons than just financial to home-school. It seemed like a great idea but still totally scary and overwhelming.

Leading up to when the kids finished at preschool was stressful. But then just at the right time we realised the reasons we had enrolled the kids in preschool weren't needs anymore.

I was wondering what kids books and toys and educational activities I should be looking to buy, and where to get them and how to pay for them? But then just at the right time, a friend was moving back to America. She has a child a bit older than ours, and we ended up with soooo many kids books, puzzles, stationary etc.

And what about friends? Preschool had been our whole social life for a couple of years. Now we wouldn't have that anymore and we were moving out of town. But then just at the right time a homeschooling expat family moved out of town too! And a few more moved to town from elsewhere, and a couple of families started homeschooling.

End of 5 min.

After that came a few months of getting used to being at home together, they call it deschooling. It was uncomfortable. Next both Soeun and I became a bit unwell. A few months we were both extra tired, but just at the right time the kids seemed to start playing together more, and getting more involved in their own creations. And then just as the school year in Aus started the kids and I both seemed ready to start some letters and numbers work some mornings a week.

Linking up with Five Minute Friday, for JUST
.. a one-word prompt every week, and you have the opportunity to free write for five minutes flat on that one word, then join the link-up...word prompt:

Not really sure {fmf}

"At its best, I think all the arts allow us to tell ourselves our own story. The canvas or the page or the theater is always willing, always open to receive, and to mirror back, that which needs to be said. It's a gesture from the inner world to the outer one. In a way, we let a thing be true when we express it in creative form. In telling ourselves a story, we give shape to something real. In sharing what we create, we give others a chance to enter our world, if even just for a moment."

Megan Devine 

The Unexpected Practice That Helped Me Cope With Grief — When Nothing Else Could

My husband was dizzy. 

For two years. 

For no reason.

That was over 5 years ago.

But now things are manageable. So I wasn't really sure why it felt so good to write about The Dizzy Monster in my spouse for My Migraine Brain a few years ago, or if it was a good thing to be doing. But the other week when I read this Megan Devine article I felt confident about it. Writing about grief is "a gesture from the inner world to the outer one".

"Tell the story until you don't need to tell it anymore" came up in a Facebook group last month. I think in relation to trauma recovery.  This made sense of what had been going on for me recently. Life has settled down now, no major changes or stressful things, but my recent blogging includes a dark blindfolded photo. I was unsure why something like that felt so good, but now I'm thinking of blogging as post counselling therapy.  I'm feeling confident that it is a useful thing to be doing. 

End of 5 min.

The posts I was thinking of while writing this one:

7 ways invisible illness is like reverse culture shock 

(Or why I prefer scorpions stings to visiting my passport country)

Allowing Emotions in 3 things I learnt in 2018
Linked up with A Chronic Voice

5 ways living with undiagnosed illness in the family is stressful
Linked up with A Chronic Voice

Linking up with Five minute Friday

... a one-word prompt every week, and you have the opportunity to free write for five minutes flat on that one word, then join the link-up...The word this week is confident. 

Photo by Oli Dale on Unsplash  

From boredom to building {fmf}

"I'm bored"

I often hear this from our kids. It can be a torturous 20 minutes when the kids feel like they don't have anything to do.

But what happens next is amazing.

They build things.

Over the last 6 months we've had some indoor structures big enough to climb into. A house, a boat, a spaceship. Sometimes with multiple rooms and various windows and skylights.

We've also seen small things built such as rockets, planes and helicopters. These are usually made to just the right size to be held and flown around inside or outside.

The building materials include but not are limited to- furniture, suit cases, blankets, pillows, pegs, rubber bands, cracker boxes, oat tins, the old broken bread maker....

Sometimes the boredom hits when I'm in the middle of doing something. I'm always trying to decide if I should drop what I'm doing and play with them. To play or not to play? Either way somebody is going to be upset.  I've been trying to remember all these amazing creations, hopefully it will make the next time of boredom easier, at least for me.

Friday Five minute link up

... a one-word prompt every week, and you have the opportunity to free write for five minutes flat on that one word, then join the link-up...word prompt: BUILD

Are you a big rice eater? {fmf}

Friday Five minute link up! 

... a one-word prompt every week, and you have the opportunity to free write for five minutes flat on that one word, then join the link-up...

"where"

Photo Credit 

It looked like such a small serving of rice, I had to laugh. Eating rice with my parents and siblings in Australia meant I had to ask for more.

It was such a confusing experience for me as when I'm in Cambodia with my in-laws they are always careful to serve me an extra small plate of rice.

I'm pretty sure I eat the same amount which ever place I'm in, but next to Cambodians I eat hardly any rice,  in contrast to Australians I'm used to a bigger serving of rice.

Its easy to talk about rice. Something obvious and tangible. There are so many other aspects of culture which are hidden below the surface. Out of sight, but they make up the bulk of the iceberg.

Depending on where you are, "normal" is different.  Its fun when you can see it and talk about it, like the rice. Not so fun when it unknowingly shapes communication.

So, am I a big rice eater? Well, depends on where I am.

Frozen sadness conveniently sums up my whole blog... {fmf}

Five Minute Friday Link up time! Word prompt: Convenient 

... a one-word prompt every week, and you have the opportunity to free write for five minutes flat on that one word, then join the link-up...

The Frozen Sadness of Ambiguous Loss is a blog post that conveniently ties together two of the main things I'm reading and writing about these days, so I was excited to read it yesterday.

Marilyn Gardner writes about her Adult Third Culture Kid life and as I've mentioned before (Between Seasons) I started reading her books and blogs to learn about Third Culture Kids (TCKs) but also found I related a lot as a third culture adult. Expat life in a cross cultural family is one of the things I read and write about most at the moment, and TCKs  are part of that. The losses of the TCK is what she was writing about here, but buried at the bottom of a paragraph I found this bit which I bolded:

"I move on and find out there are two types of ambiguous loss: One is that the person/place/family is physically absent, but psychologically present, in that they may reappear. This can be loss from divorce, moving, boarding school, migration. The other is that the person is physically present, but the core of who they are is absent. Examples of this are people with dementia or alzheimers." 

It reminded me of a post I wrote back in 2012 when my husband was sick. It was like when he was physically present he was actually absent (being absent feels like he is more present).  At the time I couldn't really explain to anyone how painful that was, and it felt like there was no reason why it would be painful. This unexplainable struggle is the other main thing I've been writing, the impact of chronic illness in the family, and here it is, mentioned in a post about TCKs.

"This is it!"I felt like yelling.

And I read on, the author had the same moment ..."At this point, it comes to me: this is it! "

*******

An example of my recent TCK thoughts:

6 reasons why my offspring's childhood is different to mine

An example of my recent thoughts about emotions related to chronic illness:

3 things I learnt in 2018